Where I Am Right Now...

Okay guys... So here it is. I promised to share all of the details of my life with you and here is something that tears me up as I type it. It's over. Logan and I ended our relationship.

We have been apart since last Tuesday when I decided that I don't know who I am anymore, where I am going to be, or even who I want to be. So much of my life is living in this moment and I have found myself in a whirlwind of cataclysmic events since the summer of '08 there has always been something knocking me down, over, and over, and over, and over again. I came out and my parents disown me, my school leans on me and makes my life difficult. I can't get a break when it comes to classes, it is always something. I do porn and I am singled out by people for absolutely no reason other then the facts they are bullies and somehow picking on me makes them feel more secure. I've had my ups and downs with Logan and just someone all of this combined has gotten to be too much. It's like an internal combustion burning me up from the inside.

I don't mean to sound like a whiny drama queen but it has just been so much for my heart to handle over the last 20 months. Somethings in my life have to change. So why Logan you ask? Alot of you have been really supportive over the last week about my choices and helped me talk out the things I am feeling. I just decided that I love Logan, but I am not in love with Logan. We shared a small room at his parents house, the only time I could get me time alone was like at one in the morning in the television room or at the gym. People were always home and always talking or making noise. It killed our sex life. Its not comfortable to have sex in a house when someone could walk by the bedroom and hear it. So sex became few and far between and when we did have it, it had to be quick so that no one came home and heard us. The age difference did start to get to me as well. I can't go to the places Logan and his friends like to go so I'd often volunteer to go dance at the local club and they could meet me after. Soon, Logan being gone for a drink or two would lead to him and his friends being gone for hours. And the little comments he would always make. I'm your boyfriend not your friend! (He later apologized for this when he realized how he was behaving.)

Now please don't get me wrong. Logan IS an amazing person. He has been my protector, my provider (even now that we are broken up he is looking out for me), he has been my best friend, my dance partner, my companion, and my lover. In fact, I used to be a meek boy who didn't like to leave his room, because there wasn't video games or magic cards out there... I am no where near that person I used to be and I owe a huge majority of that to him. He would push, and push, and push, and push me to do things outside of my comfort zone and I thank him so much for that. In fact, you should too! There would be no Aiden Ash if it hadn't been for Logan!

Where are we going from here? Well... We had dinner and it went so well. He brought me flowers we talked and agreed at this point in our lives it would be best for me if I left for awhile. We are still going to be friends and I hope we are still best friends. I can not imagine my life without him in it and I hope he feels the same about me. I still want him to be an active part of my porn career and have him actively help me with the business side. I still need him and the people who come with him in my life. (Even though I don't know where that will be.) So for the moment he is down but not out.

Just for those of you who are going to ask: No, Logan is not doing good. He's going through his stages and being incredibly moody. (According to friends he doesn't eat or sleep much so his eyes look like a crack whores. Sorry to all you crack whores.) I know he will pull through this. I text him to check up on how he is doing, and we are going to try to hang out in a group next week to see if it works. (Which I hope it does. I can't not have him around, plus he can't beat Marvel Ultimate Alliance 2 without me!) So for those of you who IM and Tweet with him be nice and uplifting, he is spending some time getting to know the Wyler boys better so that should help him get his head back in the game.

As for me... Well my Mom came down to spend a few days with me! I think we are on the road to recovery! I'm having a wonderful time with her, nice dinners, Broadway shows, hanging out together in a really nice hotel room in town. So I am excited... We made an agreement as a family to put the last year and half's hostilities behind us and start anew. I am living with a friend in Houston, who said I can stay as long as I need to and he enjoys not being alone in a big house. (I also stay with the Wylers in their new home (beautiful by the way) for the times I just need to get out and have some fun.) I really do miss Logan, but I am going to stick to my guns and discover who I am as an independent person and am not closed to the idea of maybe one day being with Logan again if our hearts ever meld back together. It's terrifying to be where I am but I know it'll be good.

Thanks for being there for me... No really, all of your comments, concerns and phone calls have really helped me through this. It is going to be hard. I am going to have dark moments. He was my first, he was my first boyfriend, and one of my best friends. In the end I will come out a stronger person for this and so will he. (And for all you Logan fans, he isn't going to be gone. I'll still do updates about him and all that jazz.)

Alright... I think I am done. Here is my heart guys. Any advice, comments, or possibly naked photos of you are appreciated...

<3 Aiden


(Oh, and I have some really big and excited porn news. Like HUGE NEWS! But more on that later.)

Time For Some Tough Choices...

Okay... Logan is about to pick me up. We're going to have a talk. I don't know where it is going to go. My heart hurts.

"You Can't Spell Break-Up Without Break."

Okay guys... Truth time.

I've been struggling with some personal issues. Logan. We are on a break. Out of the blue I know. It kind of was for me too. I just woke up yesterday and realized, I don't think I love him anymore. I mean I still love him as a person, but I'm not in love with him. I think. I dunno. Just so much in my life is in shambles. My job, my schooling, my career, my family. I dunno. Logan just is the easiest to let go.

He just always would make little comments, and I know to him they were innocent but they really hurt me. Maybe I should have said something to him but I dunno if he would have stopped. The other night he went out with Matt and I danced at the club and they were going to meet me later. I felt better in that two hours alone than I did with him. My selfesteem was way up.

Also at his place its like I share a small bedroom with him and a house with his family. I don't have a place I can go and just turn my music up and think. I know I had it good there, no rent, or food, or bills, but I just had to get out to think for a bit.

I told Logan it's a break. But I have a feeling it could be a break up.

I feel bad though, Logan's friends say he is a mess. Apparently in class he just stares at the floor, and he tears up alot. I feel kinda bad because I called into the radio station to make a comment and he randomly had that station on and heard me and apparently upset him more.

I told him we will talk. And we will. When I am ready.

I don't know what to do. He texts me and he apologizes for everything he's ever done wrong. But he just doesn't get it. I don't even know if I do. What do I do guys?

This guy is so important to me but I don't know where he fits anymore?

<3 Aiden

Time For A Quick One...

Hey guys sorry it has been over a week. We've had some issues at home. Logan gets really bad migraines and is showing the same symptoms his Grandmother showed before she had brain clotting and passed. So we've been doing the R&R thing and need to get him to the doctor next week for a CatScan and all that jazz. (Not to mention and ENT for his jacked up vocal cords.)

And on the weekends I've been hitting the club scene hardcore. I know I should take the five minutes to update. Lots to talk about. I may have to hold out on some of it for later.

I've spent ALOT of time at the Wyler house hanging out with the guys as Logan does his sleep alot thing at home. We are working on getting me a contracted job come January so I can do some porn again. I guess it hasn't been that long but a month and a half feels like it has been forever!

I am still without a power cord that is why the updates are far and few between. Not exactly wanting. Www.AidenAsh.com to be one of the family computers most visited sites!

Okay, if I don't update tonight I promise I'll give you a REAL update tomorrow.

<3 Aiden

Things are of the strange sorts.

So I'd like to start off by saying this whole not having a lap top and having to use the family computer is for the birds. I much prefer being able to pound these things out in my little hole at the top of the stairs, it makes it more private and they are not rushed!

Britney was amazing! They were not third row tickets... They were VIP "In The Zone" (Basically six feet from the stage.) The whole show was a spectacle. Circus acts, Magic Acts, Singing, Hot men in leather. I think the show was more designed for our people than anyone. Lots of hottie grinding on each other, hell I think it was required in their contracts to present their bulge to the audience at least twice per show! And it was homo city in our little VIP section. Everything from twinkies, to oldies, to thugs, yes their were two thug gay boys! (One of which had three tear drops on his face. Intimidating!) Overall the concert was amazing, we lost our voices and days later our ears are still ringing.

There was one thing that bothered me at the concert though. A christian group was standing out front with signs "Gays go to hell." "Homosexuality is a sin." "Marriage is one man and one woman." I mean it is whatever really, those things are so common place at any event homosexuals gather at in Houston but what really bugged me was that a little boy who couldn't be more then ten or eleven was holding one of the signs... I mean let the boy make up his own mind if he wants to go down the bigot path or not. So we and by we I mean our friend Matt did the only thing one could have done in that situation. Asked to take a picture holding their signs! (Which I'll post soon. Along with the rest of the decent concert pictures. We aren't sure where the connector cable is. Lack of the proper cords is kind of common place in our life these days.)

So I love my new job. It is fantastic. I'm teaching small kids at a @*#(!)$@, a job Mason and Marcus' roomie got me. So it is fantastic because they like me because they like me because I am little and I love hanging out with them. (Do you think their parents would flip out if they knew their their teacher did porn?) Speaking of porn I haven't heard back from the guy about that possible opportunity, so Logan and I are gonna find some cute guys and take some sex shots for Dudes Nude and the blog and start the tiresome process of submitting myself to multiple companies looking for work. It is a really discouraging process because there are no "No Thanks" or "We are interested but..." in this biz. So, a lot of times you don't know if you got something until weeks later. But unlike the boys at Unzipped suggested a few months back, I'm not just a blogger, I'm just struggling to find work. (I was watching porn from the 70's and realized I have a 70s porn body, somewhere along the line we went from slim muscles to a jock dominated industry. But that is a blog for another time.)

And finally I am in love with a go-go boy from JRs and South Beach. He was very talkative to our group before and after his gig. Like after he got dressed he came out and just sat and talked to us. (So would it have been weird to see if he wanted to get a bite to eat with the group? There were like 6 of us. Let me know.)

<3 Aiden

A Few Things....

1.) THIRD ROW BRITNEY TONIGHT! I AM SO EXICTED! I will get to visit R.J. Danver's "Britney Land" he kept talking about when he saw it! We are gonna go early and try to get "Get in the Zone!"

2.) I got a job! Mason And Marcus Wyler's Roommate got me a job! It's a fun gig! They basically told me to get to work after my interview! So I'm really excited I don't have to go back into the food industry!

3.) I'm not updating as much until we (Logan and I) buy new power cords for our Mac Powerbooks. (I am on the family PC. Does anyone know how to delete Safari's history files?)

4.) Marvel Ultimate Alliance 2 is AMAZING! Fan boys, GET IT!

5.) I have some real posts in me and will do my best to get them up tomorrow. And Logan wrote a paper on gay men and Super Heroes that I'd love to post if I can persuade him!

Alright Boys! I promise to be back soon....

<3 Aiden

BRITNEY!!!!!!

The Morning After

So last night at South Beach they were doing a tribute to Britney Spears. All Britney songs and videos all night. The highlight of my night though was Derrick Barry a Britney impersonator who was on America's Got Talent and he IS Britney it was phenomenal. Well we went out with Matt and a bunch of our crew and there was a drawing to win Third Row tickets to THE CIRCUS on Wednesday. Matt's friend won! So jealous! So jealous! But once we (Logan and I) got over being bitter we were so excited for her. So then, (keep in mind we just had met this girl tonight) she makes the offer to Logan, that if we just buy her two tickets to anywhere in the arena she will trade us for her third row tickets since she knows we wanted to go so bad and she just wants to see it. Her kindness is jaw dropping! My year was made last night! So, there is a 90% chance we will be doing this trade! (If she changes her mind I won't hold it against her, but I certainly will be a tad bit disappointed!)

So the night was fantastic... Lots of dancing and merriment being made and I am debating if I should forgive my friends Mason and Marcus Wyler for being like in the next building over and not texting me to say hi! For real bitches if you wanna have dinner parties you better tell your buddy Aiden hello! (I am just giving them a hard time, I love those boys!)But over all I am really excited about Wednesday! Anyone else going to the Houston show? Let me know guys!

As far as the job search is going... I had an interview with Buckle on Thursday and I will be getting an e-mail either tomorrow or Tuesday to see if I have employed or not. It'd be a fantastic week if I do get a job and to the see concert! Also this week I am hitting the gym really hard and am gonna take some photographs to send out to porn agencies. I seriously can't remember the last time I applied anywhere. I relied on other people to get me work and that sticks me in the boat I am in now. I think I'm gonna try something that may advance my Adult career, or it could set it back. But at the rate things trickle one or two every few months I don't think it would really change much in my life!

And I'd like to address a comment that was approved in my previous excited entry and I don't mean to be bitchy, but Anon, I do love you coming to my page to see me and what's up in my life and if all you are here for is to see me naked, that is totally great with me and you can find all those photos if you click on the link Photo Sets below. But that does kinda kick me into gear I need to be out there taking some sex photos for the blog!

Aight Guys I Got A Ton Of Stuff To Do Today!
<3 Aiden