Okay guys... So here it is. I promised to share all of the details of my life with you and here is something that tears me up as I type it. It's over. Logan and I ended our relationship. We have been apart since last Tuesday when I decided that I don't know who I am anymore, where I am going to be, or even who I want to be. So much of my life is living in this moment and I have found myself in a whirlwind of cataclysmic events since the summer of '08 there has always been something knocking me down, over, and over, and over, and over again. I came out and my parents disown me, my school leans on me and makes my life difficult. I can't get a break when it comes to classes, it is always something. I do porn and I am singled out by people for absolutely no reason other then the facts they are bullies and somehow picking on me makes them feel more secure. I've had my ups and downs with Logan and just someone all of this combined has gotten to be too much. It's like an internal combustion burning me up from the inside.
I don't mean to sound like a whiny drama queen but it has just been so much for my heart to handle over the last 20 months. Somethings in my life have to change. So why Logan you ask? Alot of you have been really supportive over the last week about my choices and helped me talk out the things I am feeling. I just decided that I love Logan, but I am not in love with Logan. We shared a small room at his parents house, the only time I could get me time alone was like at one in the morning in the television room or at the gym. People were always home and always talking or making noise. It killed our sex life. Its not comfortable to have sex in a house when someone could walk by the bedroom and hear it. So sex became few and far between and when we did have it, it had to be quick so that no one came home and heard us. The age difference did start to get to me as well. I can't go to the places Logan and his friends like to go so I'd often volunteer to go dance at the local club and they could meet me after. Soon, Logan being gone for a drink or two would lead to him and his friends being gone for hours. And the little comments he would always make. I'm your boyfriend not your friend! (He later apologized for this when he realized how he was behaving.)
Now please don't get me wrong. Logan IS an amazing person. He has been my protector, my provider (even now that we are broken up he is looking out for me), he has been my best friend, my dance partner, my companion, and my lover. In fact, I used to be a meek boy who didn't like to leave his room, because there wasn't video games or magic cards out there... I am no where near that person I used to be and I owe a huge majority of that to him. He would push, and push, and push, and push me to do things outside of my comfort zone and I thank him so much for that. In fact, you should too! There would be no Aiden Ash if it hadn't been for Logan!
Where are we going from here? Well... We had dinner and it went so well. He brought me flowers we talked and agreed at this point in our lives it would be best for me if I left for awhile. We are still going to be friends and I hope we are still best friends. I can not imagine my life without him in it and I hope he feels the same about me. I still want him to be an active part of my porn career and have him actively help me with the business side. I still need him and the people who come with him in my life. (Even though I don't know where that will be.) So for the moment he is down but not out.
Just for those of you who are going to ask: No, Logan is not doing good. He's going through his stages and being incredibly moody. (According to friends he doesn't eat or sleep much so his eyes look like a crack whores. Sorry to all you crack whores.) I know he will pull through this. I text him to check up on how he is doing, and we are going to try to hang out in a group next week to see if it works. (Which I hope it does. I can't not have him around, plus he can't beat Marvel Ultimate Alliance 2 without me!) So for those of you who IM and Tweet with him be nice and uplifting, he is spending some time getting to know the Wyler boys better so that should help him get his head back in the game.
As for me... Well my Mom came down to spend a few days with me! I think we are on the road to recovery! I'm having a wonderful time with her, nice dinners, Broadway shows, hanging out together in a really nice hotel room in town. So I am excited... We made an agreement as a family to put the last year and half's hostilities behind us and start anew. I am living with a friend in Houston, who said I can stay as long as I need to and he enjoys not being alone in a big house. (I also stay with the Wylers in their new home (beautiful by the way) for the times I just need to get out and have some fun.) I really do miss Logan, but I am going to stick to my guns and discover who I am as an independent person and am not closed to the idea of maybe one day being with Logan again if our hearts ever meld back together. It's terrifying to be where I am but I know it'll be good.
Thanks for being there for me... No really, all of your comments, concerns and phone calls have really helped me through this. It is going to be hard. I am going to have dark moments. He was my first, he was my first boyfriend, and one of my best friends. In the end I will come out a stronger person for this and so will he. (And for all you Logan fans, he isn't going to be gone. I'll still do updates about him and all that jazz.)
Alright... I think I am done. Here is my heart guys. Any advice, comments, or possibly naked photos of you are appreciated...
<3 Aiden
(Oh, and I have some really big and excited porn news. Like HUGE NEWS! But more on that later.)
7 comments:
I do hope you two are able to salvage a friendship out of the relationship. It is possible. My ex and I are best friends. We were together 11 years before we split. It was hard for both of us, and it sounds a lot like what you're going through. My friendship with him is one of the most satisfying friendship in my life.
To be friends, though, you must both be willing to work for it. You must also be willing to forgive each other, not only for things in the past, but for the ways you'll both end up hurting each other as you and he heal from the break up. You've got to allow him to mourn the end of the relationship.
As long as you both continue to love each other, the friendship you'll have will be this amazing thing that will be worth every ounce of pain you both feel right now.
Hang in there. It does get better.
Thank you sharing, Aiden. That was very brave. My heart really goes out to you ... not just because of Logan but through your tribulations of getting your life settled. It will all come together. TRUST ME. It takes time, patience AND love.
As I've said before, you're a beautiful, gentle and smart person so you will have the world on a string in no time.
mike
Have you in my thoughts and you have my number- both of you do
Aiden,
It doesn't sound like a breakup to me, more like a change in relationship. I'm glad to hear that you are on better terms with your family and that you have a place to stay. As bad as things might seem, they could be worse--you could be
living in Afghanistan!
Good luck to you and to Logan.
Best of everything to you and Logan. It sounds as if you are being very adult in all of this. Keep the honesty and compassion, you will be all right in the end and everything will work out. Maybe not as you expect them to, but sometimes even better if you are open to it.
Russ
Aiden, thanks for being so open. I wish you both the best and I really think this next chapter can be very good for you. Be careful, be smart and be good to yourself.
Hang in.
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