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Hey, It's Logan. It's 4:15 am and I am sitting here next to a sleeping Aiden. My room is hot from the heater that is in the attic directly above my bed, and Jay Brannan's IN LIVING COVER is playing softly from my iPod speakers. I should be able to sleep. I should take comfort in the fact that my guy is home for a few days before heading off for 8 months but I think that is exactly the problem. I'm a senior in college and I'm about to enter real life and when Aiden and I are not love-making or hanging out with the Wyler boy(s) I am in left with my thoughts. What am I going to do? 8 months apart with a few visits scattered in between. Sure, I think this is what is best for him. This internship is something he has been talking about for the last two years but there is a form of resentment that comes with him deciding he wants to go and do it. I used to leave by the motto that we are too young to live for someone else.... But, lately... When Aiden and I were on our break, (which we called a break-up at the time) I was the most miserable I had ever been in my life, I didn't eat or sleep. Every text or call that wasn't from him would make me furious. I lived for the moments we would talk or spend some time together... Coming out of that, I have realized I love this goofy little man. He completes me. I am so thankful for our break because I know now what I want in life is him. I know this is a porn blog but... This is what going on in our lives.
If I sleep, I will miss some hours of listening to his breath. I will miss the moments of feeling his skin against mine. If I sleep, I will spend 6 or so hours dreaming about Aiden and not being with him. I guess it is silly but... In 8 months, I will be done with school and I have no idea where I will be... Or what I will be doing.... Will I be able to provide for him? Will things be different when he gets back? Will our love still be strong? These are silly things but they are the thoughts that plague my head as I lay away awake and play with strands of his blond hair between my fingers.
I have not done much to prepare for a career in Advertising. Shit, it isn't what I want to do with my life. I want to write books. It is the one thing in my life I know I am amazing at... But, I know once I finish the book it takes years from notebook to a bound copy. Those are the gaps I worry about. I am not asking for much in my post college years, but I know I want a house for Aiden and place he is happy to rest his head at night. The future is scary. He leaves Tuesday. My world is going to change Tuesday. Maybe for the better. Maybe for the worst.
All I know is that I love him. And I had to get this off my chest because the silence of this room is deafening. I need to go. I am wasting moments I could be laying next to him on this silly machine.
Thanks for listening.
~ Logan
5 comments:
sometimes the silence can keep you company....When Logan is gone on his CP learn that the same silence you have, he does too.... you guys will make it!
Logan,
I won't dwell on how slightly obsessive this post sounds, because we have all been there, but the fact is that you need to find something to occupy your time with.
8 months is enough time to realistically lose 30 pounds if you throw yourself into a diverse routine of walking/running/weights/swimming.
What you need to do is distract yourself with a goal. If you don't, you only have 8 months of loneliness to show for it.
Focusing on a healthy-food-only diet and exercising for a set hour or two a day will keep you from dwelling too much on being lonely and give you something to look forward to every day that is can be completely unrelated to Aiden.
It will be a long 8 months, but it won't feel as long if you do something productive every day that is not moping around your house feeling lonely.
Good luck!
-Matt-
YOu are really insecure aren't you? I mean, the entire post stinks of your doubts on how much you 2 are in love without it actually being said.
Logan,
I agree with m. Get a hobby, write
a book or do anything! Besides, you
can call Aiden on the phone from time to time. Keep your mind occupied and develop your skills during the next eight months. That way, you won't go crazy.(or crazier if you already are!)
Creeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
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